• Lyn Coffin

TINDER 43

Updated: May 12

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43

From: Lyn Coffin <coffin32@gmail.com>

Date: Tue, May 29, 2016 at 10:58 PM

Subject: love demands to be expressed

To: Austin Nissan <austin.Nissan@earthlink.net>

Dearest Austin,

I thank you again for your letter, which goes a long way both to reassure me and to chide me a little (not that you meant to do that)- I am really really sorry I asked all those questions of you when I did. I have thought a lot about it, and realized a couple of things. Normally, I ask questions all the time. But with you, I really wanted to be more accepting, not to question or interrogate you as has been my wont sometimes in the past. But with your not coming home when you thought you would, my inquisitive nature got the best of me. I especially appreciate your sending the license. I suppose it’s the mundane nature of the picture, compared to all the lovely photos you’ve sent up to this point. (Though you look very handsome there, as well, of course. Still—) Anyway, I will try to steer a middle course from now on- Not give in to my questioning nature but not suppress questions, either. Right now, the biggest question I have in mind now is wondering where you were when you were with the baby elephant. As you know, I love that picture. I don’t know how to describe to you the mental/feeling/spiritual state I seem to be in at the moment. I have felt in some ways, at some times, that I have gone through the death of your mother with you.

I want very much to believe that you are real and true, and when I do believe that, my heart soars and I feel so vulnerable and so open to you that it scares me and then my cynical, writer/story teller self enters into the picture and spins out possible outcomes, most of which are “modern” and therefore not good, not optimistic.

Also, whether I am feeling loving and tender or desirous and yearning or affectionate and motherly or I am feeling suspicious and tormented and doubtful- either way, I am obsessed with you. I think about you all the time. I wake up from dreams in which I think you have been there, but I can’t remember what happened and all that is left is a shadow- either one that makes me sigh and stretch luxuriously, or one that makes me tense and nervous. And no matter how I am feeling, it always always ends up like this: I want to meet you. I am constantly doing battle with fears that you will not come back to Seattle, that you will find employment there, or decide not to work for a while. Of course, I would come to you, but part of the fear is that you will not ask me to come.

This has all happened so fast. Sometimes just the sheer speed of it takes my breath away.

A few weeks ago, I didn’t know of your existence and now you are so important to me. I am wrung out with thoughts and feelings. If you allow it to happen, If the circumstances of our meeting allow it to happen, I think you will be the last great love of my life. I loved what you said about vulgar and refined. What I feel for you is never vulgar, dear heart, but it is often primal and raw and primitive- but pure in its animality, if that makes sense. And the refined is - well, just trying to put into words how much I long for you makes my breath catch in my throat. I imagine a hundred different ways of touching you and being touched. Of course, this makes perfect sense when it comes to you. You are so incredibly beautiful. I would say handsome, but handsome has a thickness, a bluntness, a roughness to it, and you don’t look thick or blunt at all. So, what will happen when you see how ordinary and unremarkable-looking I am? It bothers me sometimes, thinking about that, but I think you will respond to the love in my eyes, the gentleness and the passionate restraint of my reaching to you and for you…. Or what if we don’t feel anything particular? That would maybe be the best, because I have no doubt we would discover or uncover it as we looked at and talked to each other. I am tormenting myself right now by trying to express things that maybe are better left unexpressed until (please God) we meet. I wish I could be there to help you with arrangements.

What time do you think the funeral will be on Wednesday? I will be driving down to Fort Defiance in Tacoma with a friend and I will allow time to be there in silence with you. I guess I am fated (at least until we meet) to go up and down in my ability to feel you, to believe you, to connect with you. Now, thanks to your beautiful letter and the mundane driver’s license, I am up, and so I am carried away- thinking of your eyes on me, our arms around each other.

Oh, Austin- may God bless you and keep you safe from harm

Good night, I am exhausted, mostly from the love I feel and cannot express, not as it demands to be expressed-

your woman,

Lyn

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From: Lyn Coffin <coffin32@gmail.com>

Date: Tue, May 30, at 8:48 AM

Subject: Here for you

To: Austin Nissan <austin.Nissan@earthlink.net>

Dear heart,

I am happier than I can ever remember. I went back to sleep and had the first dream of you I was able to remember -- a fragment. You were lying on your back in long grass and you were sad and I lay down next to you and you put your arm around me and we lay like that and I could feel y/our warmth and I knew you were comforted. I am full of such gratitude, my darling, my dear one.

Austin Nissan, I love you.

...to be continued

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